Side Effects
As most of you know, I work with victims of abuse. I have done since 1995, except for a 5 year break when I was writing government policy, working in recruitment of young people and other stuff.
I work with side effects a lot in my job. Side effects of abuse, specifically sexual abuse and they're horrible, but manageable effects. They're varied between social effects, physical effects, psychological effects and and more. They can include triggers, nightmares, dysfunctional relationships, power imbalances, intimacy issues and spiritual disillusionment.
There is also a different kind of side effect and one that I was discussing with a sister-girl the other day. It's the side effects that affect the children of social workers that work in the field of sexual abuse, predators and that kind of thing. It's basically over-protectiveness.
We were laughing about it on the phone but in reality it's quite serious depending on the extreme nature of the protectiveness.
My friend and I realised that we're both always hyper-vigilant about people that come into our daughters lives. This is why none of our children have met our respective partners until 'it's serious', I guess. We laughed that we try to NOT police check men we love because that's just not legal nor fair!
I laughed that my daughter hasn't had a photo taken with Santa since she was about 6 months old. In truth, it was because she's been terrified of him growing up and refused to go anywhere near the bearded dude.
Lisa said she's terrifed of her kids coming into contact with clowns which is sadly a typical myth about perpetrators. Sure, there has been famous cases of murder and offenders taking the character of bubble-blower, or clown but for the most part, I'm sure they're fine. I wouldn't leave my daughter with one mind you, but I'm sure they're fine! Mind you, can you imagine how brave safe men are these days to act as a clown at birthday parties despite the judgement he's likely receiving? Being watched like a hawk despite being a safe guy? Probably the same with male school teachers eh? Poor innocent men tarnished by the actions of a few others with dicks!
So, obviously we got onto the debate of robbing our children of typical child-hood events. I disagreed. I still let Carissa walk with a friend to the shop. I let her attend the Royal Adelaide Show with friends but prefer the bag-carrying Dad about 10 metres away keeping an eye on them while hiding behind the hot dog stand to avoid a chorus of 'Daaaaaaaaaaad. We'll be fine!!'
I am getting better. She's highly educated on this stuff "probably more than my friends" she says and her father has also enrolled her into judo so it's not just me that's concerned about her safety as a young woman today.
As each birthday comes and goes, you know, I congratulate myself silently. I congratulate and take my blessing that we've managed another year without being dangerously injured or having her safety compromised in any way.
It's certainly a side effect of my job and I still think it's a good side effect, not a bad one.
Do your kids/significant other suffer from side effects from your job?
example. If you're an accountant, are they all over-managed financially?
If you work in medical field, are you constantly over-checking them like a hypochrondiac?
I have a few posts up my sleeve today! Stay tuned.
All the best,
I work with side effects a lot in my job. Side effects of abuse, specifically sexual abuse and they're horrible, but manageable effects. They're varied between social effects, physical effects, psychological effects and and more. They can include triggers, nightmares, dysfunctional relationships, power imbalances, intimacy issues and spiritual disillusionment.
There is also a different kind of side effect and one that I was discussing with a sister-girl the other day. It's the side effects that affect the children of social workers that work in the field of sexual abuse, predators and that kind of thing. It's basically over-protectiveness.
We were laughing about it on the phone but in reality it's quite serious depending on the extreme nature of the protectiveness.
My friend and I realised that we're both always hyper-vigilant about people that come into our daughters lives. This is why none of our children have met our respective partners until 'it's serious', I guess. We laughed that we try to NOT police check men we love because that's just not legal nor fair!
I laughed that my daughter hasn't had a photo taken with Santa since she was about 6 months old. In truth, it was because she's been terrified of him growing up and refused to go anywhere near the bearded dude.
Lisa said she's terrifed of her kids coming into contact with clowns which is sadly a typical myth about perpetrators. Sure, there has been famous cases of murder and offenders taking the character of bubble-blower, or clown but for the most part, I'm sure they're fine. I wouldn't leave my daughter with one mind you, but I'm sure they're fine! Mind you, can you imagine how brave safe men are these days to act as a clown at birthday parties despite the judgement he's likely receiving? Being watched like a hawk despite being a safe guy? Probably the same with male school teachers eh? Poor innocent men tarnished by the actions of a few others with dicks!
So, obviously we got onto the debate of robbing our children of typical child-hood events. I disagreed. I still let Carissa walk with a friend to the shop. I let her attend the Royal Adelaide Show with friends but prefer the bag-carrying Dad about 10 metres away keeping an eye on them while hiding behind the hot dog stand to avoid a chorus of 'Daaaaaaaaaaad. We'll be fine!!'
I am getting better. She's highly educated on this stuff "probably more than my friends" she says and her father has also enrolled her into judo so it's not just me that's concerned about her safety as a young woman today.
As each birthday comes and goes, you know, I congratulate myself silently. I congratulate and take my blessing that we've managed another year without being dangerously injured or having her safety compromised in any way.
It's certainly a side effect of my job and I still think it's a good side effect, not a bad one.
Do your kids/significant other suffer from side effects from your job?
example. If you're an accountant, are they all over-managed financially?
If you work in medical field, are you constantly over-checking them like a hypochrondiac?
I have a few posts up my sleeve today! Stay tuned.
All the best,
26 Comments:
Interesting post, C.
I know that from my studies (child and family units, children at disadvantage, child devlopment and pysch units) I learnt that step fathers or Mum's boyfriend is the second more likely person to abuse children, directly after the Mother herself...then it's the natural father.
So you know, I've been super careful what dad is up to, what his mood is like, where they'll be etc and I sure as hell have not had blokes coming into my home having access to the kids. You just can't let any one cruise in and I would pitch fork a bloke who ever screamed or smacked my children and yet, I am aware of so many women who let pretty much any dickhead off the street into their homes and into their beds. It makes me really upset for the kids.
Kate, completely agree with you and yes those stats would be right. It's more often the boyfriend, step-father, or uncle unfortunately.
I also can't believe how kids are exposed to just any Tom, Dick or Harry that flicks mothers attention.
So sad.
Reading both comments, that is one (but only one) of the reasons I was so determined to fight for custody. My daughter would never have been safe in her mothers hands and she stated it perfectly plainly herself when my ex said that she didn't need to care about our daughter as she knew that I, as her father, would.
Like you I also made certain that any relationships I had were very much 'under the counter' so to speak so that I didn't expose her to anything untoward nor give her a bad example to follow.
People often told me my daughter was a Daddy's Girl, and that I was over-protective, but I didn't care. At least I ensured she had a childhood, and that she got safely through to adulthood. I taught her how to fight, but usually as a game so she picked it up better, in case she was ever attacked. And I have helped guide her through the career choices she is making today. She's at University, has spent a year abroad in Japan as part of her course, and is training to become a military officer. Not bad for a daughter that was accused of being cossetted and a Daddy's Girl eh?
To my mind childrens welfare is paramount. They didn't ask to be born and it is up to us as their parents to ensure that we put them first every time.
Incidentally Miss Smack, how on earth do you manage public speaking? It leaves me a quivering wreck, lol.
We don't have kids so this is not an issue. I think we would would beextremely protective if we were parents.
Being of the male persuasion there is no way on earth I would consider being a school teacher.
As to the suffering of my significant other - it is probably mostly due to lack of funds: I'm fairly unemployable. I hope to develop a financially worhtwhile blog in time (but it isn't a quick process).
I find it awful that, as a man, it is very difficult to go and help a kid that's fallen over or suchlike.
I know lots of other males that feel this way. The air of suspicion that's around is quite sad to be honest.
I wouldn't be a scout leader for this reason.
I don't think my job really affects the people in my life.
Partly because there isn't really anybody in my life, and partly because I can't sway people to make healthy life choices. They are set in their ways.
I'm with Kate, this was an interesting post. Funny how this post talks about side effects and some of the side effects are the side effects that our choosen careers have on our relationships with our family, friends and loveones.
Insightful post, and one I've wondered about; that is, how you deal with the effects of your job in real life. My job is sales, and I find myself "selling" my daughter on things I want her to do, and using my company's training talk...that bugs me sometimes when I do that.
As a survivor of sexual abuse myself, I am hypervigilant, like you. I am learning to let go, also. It's tough! Great post and thank you for offering a window into your world.
Even being super-vigilant around my children, I was fortunate enough to catch someone I inherently trusted about to make a bad decision with respect to one of my children.
Out of all the awful people I encountered as a child...it was this person I caught as an adult that truly made me realize you can't trust anyone.
It also made me doubt my own judgment, because I couldn't believe I could have been so completely wrong with respect to judging another's nature.
The flip side is that my children are super educated and aware....we've had to keep a very open dialogue as to what's acceptable and what's not.
I can understand your experiences and knowledge of the evilier of society making you 'protective'. I am sure it has not in anyway caused any problems with your sweet girl.
I lost my first child to a congenital health problem ( as you know my dear friend ).
My daughter born after this childs death has been the recipient of many a trip to hospital, many checks during the night for childhood illnesses that should probably not raised an eyebrow. I imagine every rash to be some deadly virus, every sniffle some fatal influenza. I am extremely concious of maintaining her health. I am seen by some as being 'over-protective'. It is a parents role to protect their child from harm.
I think when you have witnessed something horrible happen to a child (ie, in your field of work, or like I have with my first child) you do everything in your power to protect. I will wear the label of 'overprotective' with pride.
xx
Ginro - congratulations on raising a fine girl against adversity. I completely understand what you mean about fighting... i've given up ALOT in my life but never my girl.
Public speaking, you know.. I have no idea. Once I know my content, I am just up there and doing it. Lightly, and confident. I get positive feedback and often I get comments like 'I wish you had talked longer' wow!
Jams, in this day and age, I think most safe adults would be protective over kids in general, whether they've conceived them or not, eh?
Evan, hey. Yeah I'm sorry the male professions are so scrutinised and yet I understand why. Sad for innocent blokes! Good luck on your job seeking! There must be SOMETHING you can do to earn some moula for your partner.
EK - you would make the best scout leader... and you're an ex-cop. Shouldn't you give it a go? You can always make strategies to protect ALL parties!
Phish, fair enough.. I hear ya.
One Man, I would imagine that your family DO experience side effects from you being a cop, eh? Good and bad ones, eh? I admire your work, mate.
Cynic, you leave the most insightful comments, you know!! I know what you mean about 'irritating' you that you go into sales mode. I go into social worker mode and my daughter is ONTO me quicker than bees to honey!
Travistee, I reckon you're a fantastic mother you know. I know the kids will grow up, give you a full set of gray hair, give you grand-kids and then spoil you rotten for all the sacrifices you made for them.
Kerry - my dear friend, it's so lovely to hear from you. I can't imagine how H's passing has affected your little girl. I would definitely liken the over protectiveness to that loss you experiences yes. You're a stronger woman than me, ten fold.
Always so lovely to hear from you. *hug*
x
Well, having my Dad doing what he did, meant I knew my rights when in police cells...
Not sure how any kids of mine would benefit from having a Dad in sales...
YOu know I did this work years ago too...way before I had kids.
But when I was politician it was difficult because my time was never my own. I was always dragging them somewhere becasue I had to be at some event, press conference, rally discussion, meeting, constituent thing...on and on. They were troopers my kids, but I knew thay just wanted to go to the park and play. Or have dinner an not have someone come over to us and talk politics.
I am no longer a politician as you know, but I do recall those moments.
Great post!
Missing you over at http://pchats.blogspot.com
As I'm a geologist by trade, I can't say that I've been hyper vidgulent that my kids aren't sudden turning into a weird primary wadsleyite or something similar.
But on the plus side when we were bushwalking in Sydney a few weeks ago I did get to tall Annalise that she can tell her friends that she had "been up a dike this weekend".
I'd love to be a scout leader....
but
What? You wouldn’t leave your daughter with me? But I’m a safe clown.
No side affects with my current job but when I was a chef my wife couldn’t put a foot right in the kitchen.
Side effect of being a bar-maid: I cut spaz when I'm not given the right head.. on my beers too.
It's natural that you want to protect your daughter. Keep up the good work with the women who have been abused, it's good to know they have somewhere to turn to.
I have to agree with Evan on this one, we need more male teachers and the innuendo placed on males who want to become teachers is often unfair. You can protect your children to a point, we as parents hope they realise that it IS in their best interests and learn. There is a difference from educating your children to wrapping them in cotton wool. I am just an ordinary everyday mom and I argue with myself whether I am too strict or not strict enough. Predators and predatory behavior is not gender based, I am not wary of men, many women are capable of worse behavior. We try and do what we think is right by our children and sometimes make mistakes but it's whether or not we learn from those mistakes that matters.
I have some side effects for you. How about side effects of someone using their blog for the sole purpose of victimizing other people, and then blaming the victim once all is said and done?
How about people who mind fucking other people and then expecting them not to get angry when all is done?
How about people who say they are counseling and helping people, but who are actually using their practice to psychologically rape and manipulate people?
Sort of like the way all of your blog titles "link" to other blogs while some people are taking in things in "subliminally" but are unaware of what is happening to them until it is too late.
No, I'm not looking for sequences or events that aren't there.
I'm simply stating the facts, and have proof to back it up.
Unfortunately though, sometimes justice takes time.
And justice will catch up with your ass dear.
yes- it most certainly will
Thanks everyone for your comments.
Post a Comment