Great Sex

From Guest Writer, Evan.

I want you to remember some great sex. I hope this isn't difficult (if it is, I hope this post may help a little).

I want to talk a little about what I think makes for great sex. It isn't as straight forward as it seems: Most of us have fond memories of adolescent fumblings - would we want that kind of thing now? I certainly wouldn't - so why the fond memories?

On TV a while ago there was a series where a woman was interviewed about her experience with a male prostitute. (My guess is it would have been considered sleazy if it was a male interviewed about his experience with a female prostitute - but that's the subject for another post.) Her comment was: He knew the right buttons to press, but she wasn't sure if she'd do it again. The intriguing question is, "Why not?" Apparently her orgasm(s?) were satisfactory.

I think great sex is about authenticity. Ordinary sex can be lovely of course - it is a very pleasant way to spend time (I'm not trying to set up some ludicrous ideals - which just get in the way of our pleasure).

The first requirement of authenticity is awareness. A lover who goes through a fixed routine isn't the most alluring prospect. We want someone who knows what we are wanting and can adjust to accommodate this - as our arousal rises. We want someone who can touch us as we want to be, who can touch firmly or gently, lingeringly or lightly and fleetingly. And who can adjust the way they touch to where we are.

As lovers we aspire to be responsive and in tune with our partner. Sighs and moans of satisfaction from our partner are enjoyable. We don't just want awareness in our partner we want to be aware of them and their desire too. When we and our partner are in tune with ourselves and our partner, this can be fabulous sex. Awareness makes for great sex.

The next requirement is personal presence - a certain rawness goes with intimacy. Feeling lust is great, seeing another with lust in their eyes for us can be delightful too - but something happens when it is mutual. Awareness is great, but personal presence adds something more.

Knowing that my partner wants me - and takes delight in satisfying me - adds another dimension to the fucking. Telling my partner how much I want them - and what I want to do to them can add to my own arousal as well as their's.

Intimacy means being in touch with our own pleasure and expressing it freely - as well as enjoying our partner enjoying themselves and letting us know that they like what we're doing. This requires a vulnerability - to not hold back and to give everything we have - this uncompomising giving means we are vulnerable; not guarding ourselves and pretending.

That good fucking is about authenticity and vulnerability explains those times when we start with other emotions and end up turned on. Comforting our partner when they are sad, or the closeness of being angry. Sadness and anger are hardly sexy - but the genuineness of the relationship can lead to good sex. Some people need to angry to be genuine - and so make up sex is the best sex they have. With the anger comes genuine meeting - and getting in touch with who their partner really is: which includes their sexuality. Withdrawing into politeness and civility is no recipe for mutually enjoyable orgasms.

Great fucks are about authenticity (awareness+personal presence). And personal presence is sometimes more important than even awareness - our fondness for those adolescence fumblings is probably about the vulnerability and rawness of the experience. (At least for me, it wasn't the skill of the loving - perhaps others were more fortunate than I.) Naturally we want a lover who is skilful - who knows what to do and how. We also want a lover who we know is fucking us - not dreaming of someone else or simply pushing the physiological buttons (as delicious as this can be).

So, I think great sex is about being willing to be authentically present with our partner - delighting in expressing our desires and satisfying them.

Let me know what you think? What makes for the best fucking for you? Which sex do you remember as extraordinary? Let me know in the comments - remember there is an anonymous option.


Evan writes a blog, www.wellbeingandhealth.net, which covers the physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and social aspects of health. (He rarely writes about sex on it.) In early October Evan is opening a membership course called Living Authentically. It is about authenticity as the true path to lasting satisfaction. You can find out more about it on this page.